Keeping Mack in or maybe on the edge of the Maddox loop...

Mack is ONLY ten, but she is a very mature ten, but still a ten year old little girl.  I've always talked to her truthfully and as an adult, but also try and remember she's a kid.  When it came to Maddox, I wasn't sure exactly how to approach everything.  This was her new baby cousin she was SO excited for...UNCLE BRANDON'S BABY!  She LOOOOVES her Uncle Brandon.  I didn't want her to be too sad, scared, I don't know what.  Sometimes I may underestimate her.  She has been through some pretty heavy things for a ten year old.

Anyway, like I said previously, in the beginning I said that there was something wrong with Maddox's back and that he had to have surgery and left it at that.  From her reaction and the way she told other people, it seemed clear that she thought just that was pretty serious.  While I was gone, I updated her on Maddox when I visited him and sent pictures.  When I came home, I told her all about my trip and showed her even more pictures.  Things seemed positive to me so they probably sounded positive to her.

As I received news and updates, I shared the news (not all of it) with Bill in front of Mack.  More so she would overhear instead of telling her directly so she was always on the edge of the loop.  As grown up as she is, this was such new territory that I wasn't sure how to handle it.  Maybe it was me, maybe I wasn't ready to handle it with her, as much as I thought I was.  I think mostly I didn't know how she would handle it and in some way, I was trying to protect her and I didn't want her feelings for Maddox to change.  I don't know why I would ever think that would happen.  I know better.  She truly is a miniature version of me.  You'll see later how she fully handled it. 

As the trip got closer, I knew I needed to break the news to her that Maddox's legs didn't have any movement.  I had anxiety over how/when to do this.  I finally did it one night while we sat on my bed.  She accepted it and didn't say much  I'm sure that after I said it that I spun out some great things about Maddox just as I had when I had told her about the shunt.  Yes, he'd had a surgery where a tube went from his brain to his belly, but he is doing AMAZING and is more alert with his Mom and Dad!!!  What concerned me about Mack knowing things was that she wasn't asking questions.  She generally accepted what I'd told her and that was that.  THAT was unusual for MY child! That's what concerned me a little and made me wonder what she was really thinking and feeling about Maddox.  I never wanted to question and push though.  If she was fine, I wasn't trying to make her think and feel things she wasn't.

I NEVER used the word Spina Bifida in front of her because I didn't want her to google it and read any information that I wasn't prepared for her to have or know.  I also DEFINITELY never used the word disabled.  Beyond the first or second day that Maddox was born and I was in that initial shock and panic, I never even thought of him as disabled, so it was definitely never a word that came out of my mouth after those days.  I don't know if I am in denial, but it isn't a word that I choose to associate with Maddox.  I suppose I don't like the connotation that goes along with it.  I believe Maddox is a MIRACLE baby and we all believe he is destined for greatness.  Yes, he may use a wheelchair one day, but so what?  Maybe I should look up the definition of the word.  But, since this is MY blog about Maddox, for the time being, you won't be seeing/hearing me calling him disabled.  So, those were words Mack never heard.

She knew what she knew, she may have inferred other things, but she was just as excited as I expected her to be to go to CT and meet and love on Baby Maddox!